body

Period Pain

“… as a matter of fact, I’ve got it now”. (VB ad reference –  nothing to see here, move right along)

When I was younger, I rarely got period pain, and that was nice, and if I did it was relatively mild and lasted maybe half the day and was more discomfort than something I’d worry about.  But even then whenever I changed from one contraceptive medication to another, even within the same family (where family in this case means named brand and the generics for that brand), I’d have a higher level of discomfort for the first period of that newer medication than the others.  But generally it’d be half a day of, “I’m not comfortable, I have some discomfort, I’m managing”.

Then I had an ectopic pregnancy, and I’m guessing the scarring from that makes such things far more complicated than they once were.  I should not be at work today, but my stubbornness, and access to high strength painkillers (which I hoped would make a difference) meant I wandered in anyway.  I changed contraceptive medication again and today I’m in agony.  Well not complete agony, I know women who have FAR worse period pain than I’m in right now, but today is really bad for me, almost as bad as the post-partum bleeding from the miscarriage I had 10 months after the ectopic pregnancy, which had me consulting friends, health care professionals and alternate medicine for things to relieve pain (because waiting for it to go away was not an option I wanted to consider).

This is when I don’t like being a woman.  I don’t like the roiling, spasming discomfort that sometimes turns into sharp pointed stabs.  I don’t like having to rely on painkillers to survive the day.  I don’t like having to have a day of pain just because I changed medication (even from generic A, brand X, to generic B, brand X).  I don’t like the fact that I can’t predict how much pain I’m going to be in, and that even Ibuprofen with codeine doesn’t seem to have a sufficiently far reach.  I don’t like the fact that I’m at work when I should be at home, in bed with a book and hot water bottle, waiting for the pain to go away where I don’t have to think, or act normal (where in this case normal is the world where I’m not in pain and discomfort).

This is where I can point at “Intelligent Design” and say, “No, I was not intelligently designed, because if I was, this should not be a problem”.

UPDATE:

Ok, I’ve thought about this a bit longer, in between bits of work, an extended lunchbreak and an incredibly indulgent hair cut (thanks Scoopon).  I remembered Chally’s post about “Taking a Sickie” and how problematic that can be for disabled people and how generally being seen to “bludge” every now and again is ok for abled bodied Australians, but not for disabled Australians.  And then I thought about how some managers I have had, have framed sick leave and what is allowable sick leave and what is seen as problematic sick leave.

Clearly, if you have an infectious disease (the ‘flu, a cold, etc) you’re expected to take the first few days off while you are infectious and then, to use Codril’s advertising campaign phrase, “Soldier On”.  If you have an injury, sufficiently serious of course, then taking the time off to heal as per your treating medical practitioner is also ok.  If you’re recovering from surgery, then the time recommended by your treating medical practitioner is also ok to take  off, and more if there were complications or you’ve still not recovered.

However, there are conditions that aren’t judged to be as serious, or that because they require repeat days of leave from work (ie, once a month), that managers I’ve had suggest that the individual is bludging and isn’t really sick.  This has happened for women suffering bad, and repeated, period pain and for women suffering repeating migraines.  Both conditions which can temporarily incapacitate someone for a few days.

In these instances the unfair burden falls on women to justify that their pain is sufficiently serious enough to take time of work, and trying to explain pain to someone who doesn’t experience it, is a hard thing to do.  Yes, I want to scoop out my entire hip region to remove the pain, really doesn’t cut it with someone who doesn’t experience period pain, especially if I was taking two or three days (fortunately for me not) days off work a month.  I’ve been told that male managers won’t ask for more detail after they hear the word “period”, which has been true for me, but if I regularly took time off, I can imagine that the conversation would happen eventually.

I remember reading somewhere (though not sure where now, and also not sure how accurate it is) that women have more health issues than men because we’re slightly more complex organisms (the whole XX thing makes us chimeras for starters).  Though I also think that men probably under-report their health issues, with the whole “Aussie Battler” thing going on.

So yes, chronic pain conditions are not treated fairly in the workplace – which won’t come as any great surprise to people who have chronic pain issues.

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politics

Where is my vote?

1 Comment

If the USA is the “leader of the free world”, where is my vote as a member of the “free world”?  Who undemocratically appointed the US to leader and defender of freedom, democracy and the “American Way” without letting the other members of the “free world” get a say?  US politics increasingly impacts on other Western nations, particularly my own, Australia.  And since Australia is impacted by US politics, why don’t I get a say in their government, and be able to cast a vote in who gets to run the behemoth that rules the entire world?

Would the Tea Party be as powerful if other interested (non-US) parties had a say in what was going on?  Would Dubyah have been elected for a second term (or even a first) if the rest of the “free world” had been able to have their say?  I know that some would suggest that this is wrong, that another country’s citizens want to impact on the politics of different nation, but let me point out: Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam and Honduras.  The US has a long history of “intervening” in other countries’ politics for their own reason, and since that seems to be traditional, maybe it’s time the rest of us members of the “free world” we started demanding our rights as part of the US tradition.

Inspired by this very happy story in The Age (trigger warning for descriptions of violence)

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random

Facebook

I’m not on Facebook.  I think this is an important thing to spell out, because so many people are it’s assumed that I am (almost everyone else I know is on Facebook).  I have reasons for not being on Facebook which I’m happy to spell out in this post and to anyone who asks why (which is far less than perhaps should in my opinion).

When I first came across Facebook, it was 2007 and my then boyfriend joined because he was being paid a lot of money by a firm to create an app for Facebook.  At that time he told me that Facebook was a waste of time and collected data on people.  My husband and friends joined Facebook and I sat on the outside and looked in.  From time to time I’d borrow various people’s Facebook accounts from time to time and look up people I’d actually like to reconnect with, often failing to find them.  And I didn’t sign up.

My brother-in-law investigates Facebook privacy for fun and has written many detailed articles covering privacy issues on Facebook (all here) and that also did not endear me to use the networking tool any time soon.  My husband encourages me to go on and make a false persona to network with people, which to me defeats the purpose, but I really don’t want to give Facebook Inc any of my personal data (real or imagined).

Facebook is also another time sink, and as it is I struggle to find time to do all the things I want to do.  Do I want to play this game from my stack of shame, read my RSS feed, chat with friends, spend time with partners or write posts on my blog?  I struggle to get the things done that I want done, let alone adding new things to the pile (thank the flying spaghetti monster I’ve actually finished my degree).

I suppose one of my biggest reasons for not being on Facebook is because I like being different and a rebel.  So, on principle, Facebook is not different and rebellious – though it may have had it’s foundations that way.

So yes, if you want to invite me to that cool event that you’re hosting, and you’ve invited all your Facebook friends, have a think about those of us who are not on Facebook and email us an invite too.

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body, Identity

My body and me

I do, it must be said, take my body for granted.  I live far more in my head than in my skin, perhaps part of being such a verbal thinker, that I don’t always notice my body until something goes wrong.  I’m incredibly grateful that it gets me from A to B, is getting stronger and fitter as I go to the gym, looks good in clothes (so I’ve been told) and carries my brain around.  Mostly though, it’s an afterthought.  I don’t personally consider myself attractive, though apparently I am, just because that really doesn’t matter to my image of me too much most of the time.  I am fat, and that sometimes bothers me, but mostly because my body is telling me about it through mild sleep apnoea, foot cramping (now fixed with orthotics), a small range of other mild annoyances.  I’d like to lose the 10 kgs I’ve put on this year through illness and starting a new job, and I will in time, and then my body will be happier with me.

I cut my finger badly on Saturday night while cooking dinner and every time I injure myself I’m brought back into my body and what it does, how it works and how I use it.  I discover that I use bits of my body that I don’t think about in ways that I never considered before.  I didn’t realise until Saturday night how much I use the side of my fingers, or how they are used as I move through the world.

I do love my hands, I suppose I spend more time admiring them than other parts of my body, but then again I do have a thing for hands.  And eyes… and I certainly love my eyes.  I will stare quite happily at them in a mirror for minutes at a time, provided I’m not caught doing so.  I like to touch things and feel them against my skin (well some things), and I’m currently intrigued with my body being as hairy as it is right now for the first time since puberty, as I’ve stopped waxing while dealing with a case of recurring hives (and wanting less triggers for itches than I already have), and feeling the wind interacting with my leg hair is certainly a sensation I’d completely forgotten.

I do have self image crises from time to time, worry that I’m not attractive enough (whatever that really means – I’m not even sure now – but its a crisis when it happens), or that I’m not able to fit into that corset I bought 4 years ago when I weighed less.  Generally though I’ve reached a point where I know that this is the only body I’m going to have and that I should start appreciating it and stop hating it (I reached that about 5 years ago).  I’m at that point where if someone else has a problem with the way I look or am shaped, then that’s their problem and certainly not mine.  It’s made my life easier, but also means that since I’m not stressing about how I look or what others think, that I tend not stress or think about my body very much – which may or may not be a good thing.  I dress professionally (though usually comfortably) for work, comfortably and whatever works for home, and when I go out, if I feel like dressing up I do, but if I don’t, then I don’t.

I’m incredibly grateful I’m surrounded by people who love me for who I am, enjoy spending time with me, love my brain and my body and that they are the ones who matter most to me.  Random people who know nothing about me can say all they like about my physical appearance, and I won’t care – those that love me, know me and care about me – their opinion matters when I ask (which I don’t), “does my arse look big in this?) or when I actually ask, “How’m I lookin’?”

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Identity, Language

A matter of respect

Dear Colleague and everyone else that does this,

I have a small request.  If I ask you to not refer to me by a particular name, then don’t.  I don’t care if you think it’s funny or cute or sounds interesting, if I ask you to stop using it in relation to me, just do.  To not do so, indicates that you don’t respect my wishes and think that your fun, desires, whatever are more important than mine.

I know that it can seem trivial, but there are lots of good reasons why people don’t want to be known by particular names or labels, or want to be known by particular names and labels and it is not your place to judge their desires, and ignoring them suggests that your desire to label them or to call them something is far more important, regardless of the reasons why they don’t want you to.

It is not your place to judge the validity of the reasons why someone refuses a label or name.  It should be enough that I can say, “Do not call me X”, without also having to provide a reason behind that.  And if I do provide a reason, listen to that reason and respect it, no matter how irrelevant you find it.  Because it matters to me, if you respect me then it should matter to you.

Yes, my reasons for not liking the name “Becky” may seem trivial, but I hate that name being applied to me and have threatened violence upon people who have called me that name,  unknowingly or otherwise.  So when I ask you to not use that name, just don’t.  Because when you do, I know that you really don’t respect my wishes about how I want to be known.

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Feminism, Language, sexism, uncool

Seriously?

14 Comments

*Trigger warning – this post discusses  language misuse detrimental to women*

I rarely encounter direct sexism (that I notice – different story) in my day to day life.  I read about sexism, I comment on sexism in the media, but rarely do I end up calling-out sexism from someone in my day-to-day life.  If that makes sense.  I’m very, incredibly and wonderfully lucky in that my partners, their partners, my family and my friends are all non-sexist.  We’re not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but there is little in the way of direct sexism in my life.

Enter Michael Barnett, a blogger and commentator, and a member of the National LBGTIQ Rights list (Australia) that I’m on.  He has a blog, and is currently upset with a female member of the (Melbourne?) Jewish community who has been posting homophobic comments in various forums.  He announced his latest blog post on the National LBGTIQ Rights list with:

More deluded rantings from this homophobic Jewish bitch.  She really needs to see a vet.

I told Michael that I was upset with the language he’d used to describe the woman he was upset with, and told him that there were plenty of other ways to refer to someone without equating them to an animal or belonging.

Michael, to my surprise (I really don’t know him) refused to apologise stating:

No apologies.  Please channel your offence at the viles (sic) homophobes.

I informed Michael that I can be offended at both homophobic behaviour (and individuals) AND people who are sexist and that I would indeed like an apology from him as well as an undertaking to modify his language use. At this point another member of the mailing list pointed out that homophobia and sexism were as vile as each other.

Michael decided at this point to deflect responsibility for his language use onto the individual he was upset with and also to tell me that I was not offended.

I won’t tolerate homophobic rants from vile bitches like [name redacted]*.  If you are offended by what I write, I suggest you have a tete-a-tete with [name redacted] and politely ask her to stop writing the offensive material that I don’t like that drives me to write the material you find offensive.

Please don’t get all high and mighty on me.  You are not offended.  You are being precious.  [name redacted] is the problem, not my writings.

So I should redirect my offence to the individual that has upset him, even though Michael’s choice of words, something he is responsible for, was the cause of my offence.  I was flabbergasted that someone could even dare to suggest such a thing, and on a relatively public forum at that.  I pointed out to Michael that he was responsible for his language use regardless of the actions of another person, and no matter how much that other person upset him – especially as he was reporting on it later.

I also told him that he could not tell me that I was not offended and that he was mansplaining my offence away and that did not make me suddenly not offended.  I reminded Michael that sexism was as bad as homophobia and that his refusal to apologise or to agree to modify his language was increasing my offence.  I asked him to be a better person than the person who had upset him and to apologise.

Michael’s response:

Hi Rebecca,

[name redacted] fits the definition of bitch “A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.”

I am not sexist.

I call homophobic rabbis cunts.  They fit the definition “Used as a disparaging term for a person one dislikes or finds extremely disagreeable.”

This is not about you.

And that’s where he got it it incredible wrong, and I walked away (because I could not be arsed spending the energy and time it would take to educate this individual).  Michael’s language use is sexist and his refusal to acknowledge that his language was inappropriate and harmful makes him sexist in my opinion.

I am incredibly grateful to those on the mailing lists (some of my comments were cross-posted – or replies were cross posted) that stood up and agreed with me.  Many of them were more eloquent than I was able to be at that time, pointing out that language is an important tool and using appropriate language is essential in fighting for human rights.  Thank you to those who stood up against sexism.

Some of the best comments (names withheld) were:

One would have to query why one should be so apparently determined to repeatedly to show such little respect and put off-side, those who share the battle and grief the result of these homophobic individuals?

Bayne Macgregor said:

It is every politically active persons responsibility to be aware of some of the basic ways language is part of politics and emotion. You don’t need a degree in linguistics to see that conservatives have made one of their main tools the control of language and the emotional meaning-association. Why the heck do you think people started using the word Gay instead of terms like Homosexual, Faggot, Poofta, Fairy, Fairy-Maggot or Pus-Person?

Now if you want to insult this person go ahead! But do so with terms that are not enforcing any other discrimination.So it would be in your interest and everyone elses if you explore the great cultural heritage of cretive insults and find some that do not reinforce any sexism, ablism, racism, transphobia or any other such problem which we as human-rights activists specialising in the GLBTIQ area need to be aware of and supportive of the fight against.

Michael, you’ve failed to grasp the meaning of the word “offended”.

Offence is in the eye of the beholder, not defined by the offender. Consequently, when someone tells you that they are offended by your language or your behaviour, they are right. You as the offender are in no position to claim that, “You are not offended.  You are being precious.”

Further, when someone tells you that they are offended by your behaviour and you refuse to change it, you are indicating that you hold their views and their feelings in complete contempt.

*  I’m not naming the individual that Michael is offended with, even though I have read some of her comments on a blog and found them homophobic, because right now she is not the issue.

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Uncategorized

Dear Google

1 Comment

Dearest Google, love of my life and solver of many of my internet problems.  I have something to ask from you.  It’s not a big thing, well big two things, and I know that with the combined might and power that you have, that you should be able to solve these two simple problems I have.  The first is with your fantastic Gtalk software (Google Talk).  Personally I think this piece of software, as a chat client, is brilliant and I don’t share my gtalk contacts with any other chat client, because I love the way gtalk operates, with one small exception.  If I remove someone from my contact list, and they don’t remove me from theirs, then you still notify me when they sign into chat.

I don’t actually get why you do this Google.  Surely I removed them from my contact list for a reason.  Maybe I broke up with them, maybe I had a massive falling out, maybe they assaulted or abused me, and yet you still want to make sure that I know that they’ve just signed online because they’re far too lazy (or vindictive, or controlling, or something else) to remove me from their contact list.  Yes I know I can block them, and in the cases where I really never want to speak to the individual again, I have, but where I’ve just lost contact with them, or we were never that good friends anyway, or they’ve moved a long way away and keeping in touch is something I’m not interested in, I shouldn’t have to be notified that they’re online.  Afterall, they’re not on my contact list for a reason, and surely that should be enough.

The second issue I have is with your marvellous Google Buzz/Google Reader.  I’m combining both of these together, because the issue applies across both systems as they are, for this problem, interlinked.  Since you created Google Reader, I’ve loved how I can pool all the blogs and pages that I’m interested in keeping abreast of, in one place.  I love how I can look at what my friends, partners and other people of interest also think is fascinating and worth sharing.  I love being able to keep everything organised and how I can search for things later when I want to blog about them or find it to win an argument.  However, again there is a slight problem.  If someone I have blocked from reading or sharing my articles comments on an article that someone I follow has shared, then I’m reintroduced to that individual, regardless of the fact that I have blocked them.  Again, I have blocked this person for a reason, and you’re allowing me to read comments that they place on articles that my friends share.  Its not fair of me to ask my friends to block this person also for my own peace of mind.  I’d love it if you’d put in place something like, “Comment made by blocked user” so I’d understand what my friend was responding to, but did not have the blocked individual in my face.

I have all sorts of good reasons, as does everyone else who blocks people, for blocking people.  Having them constantly in my face because members of my social circle are still on speaking terms with them is deeply upsetting.  I’d much rather receive less content (in this case comments), or be able to select an option that states, “As well as blocking this user, I wish to block all comments from this user”, for my own safety.

I know you care about me Google.  We go back a long way, and I have been enjoying our time together.  If you sort out these few things that have been distressing me recently, I’ll be much happier.

Much love,

Me.

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responsibility, violence

Sometimes you should think the worst

*trigger warning – this post discusses violence to children*

Another day, another child dies – and in the grand scheme of things not very noticeable given that 16,000 children die (on average) each day around the globe each day.  This child however was fortunate and was born in a Westernised nation (Australia), had survived bone cancer (losing a leg and perhaps her hearing – the media is unclear as to whether she was hearing impaired before cancer or not), and moved with her dad to the US when he remarried.

What is currently known is that she is missing, presumed dead and her step-mother has been listed as a person of interest in her disappearance/death.  The report in The Age quotes relatives and neighbours and their statements do not paint a pretty picture.

Relatives of a missing 10-year-old Australian girl, missing feared murdered in the US state of North Carolina, have described the child’s life as miserable, saying she was locked in her room for most of the day and was punished over little things.

…

“I just think this was something for a long time that we knew was going to happen, everybody that was close to the family,” relative Brittany Bentley said on CBS’ Early Show on Tuesday.

…

Bentley, who is married to Elisa Baker’s nephew, said she would have Zahra over for weekends and the girl would get mad when it was time to return home.

Zahra “was locked in her room, allowed five minutes out a day to eat, that was it”, Bentley said.

“She was beat almost every time I was over there for just the smallest things. Elisa would get mad, she would take it out on Zahra, things the kid didn’t deserve. She just had a horrible home life.”

…

“There were warning signs along the way, but you never want to think the worst,” said former neighbour Kayla Rotenberry.

…

Rotenberry, the former neighbour, said she and her fiance were good friends with the Bakers when they lived in the nearby town of Sawmills. About six months ago she noticed that Elisa Baker’s hand was swollen, Rotenberry said.

“She told me that she was trying to spank Zahra, but hit her on her prosthetic leg,” she said.

…

Another former neighbour, Brandy Stapleton, 22, of Lenoir, said that Elisa Baker told her the same story about how she injured her hand.

“She wasn’t the person everyone thought she was.”

I understand, generally, people’s unwillingness to get involved, the whole “not my problem” thing,  but in this case, had the neighbours or relatives who had witnessed or known about the abuse visited upon Zahra reported it to the authorities she may still be alive.  There have been numerous recent cases of children going missing, presumed dead where it is possible that someone reporting their concerns may have saved their life.  Overstretched child protection services do not help the problem – and governments need to move on providing well supported, trained and appropriate staff to assist vulnerable citizens.

This article really touched a nerve for me because my husband has shared his horror stories with me of physical abuse from his father that were known about by other family members and by neighbours, and no one did anything.  He was (relatively) lucky in that he survived his childhood and escaped.  But, he or his siblings might not have been so lucky through no fault of their own.

If you know or strongly suspect that a child is being abused, please report it to the relevant authorities.

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Feminism, Identity

Self-Rescuing Princes/esses

Self Rescuing Princess
Photo attribution: Phoney Nickle. Photo of a woman looking away from the camera wearing a T-shirt with "Self-Rescuing Princess" printed in fancy text

My girlfriend [not pictured] has this T-shirt and I wish I had seen it first so I could have it.  I love the message it proclaims, that I do not need rescuing, even if I am a princess, I’m managing quite well thank you.

(I had written this entire post in my head while walking around at lunchtime – when I get to sit down at a PC to write it, some 9 hours later, it’s not all there, so apologies if this makes less sense than I intend.)

You see, I don’t want to be rescued.  I’m quite happy doing my thing, enjoying my life and learning as I go.  I don’t need to be saved from [insert thing here] by someone who believes that I do – because that just denies my agency, my choice, my experience and my desires.

Far too often people act on their opinions about other people’s behaviour/appearance/beliefs/actions stating what someone “should” do, concern trolling or intervening directly in whatever they see is an issue.  There is a difference between asking if someone is ok and dictating a solution (which is most likely unwanted), or directly intervening in something which the observer considers an issue, but the individual concerned does not.

s.e. smith writes in ou’s amazing blog a post about cure evangelism which is also relevant:

When you have been exposed to a culture which regards you as a publicly tradeable commodity, exercising control and autonomy become especially paramount. Being able to make decisions for yourself and your own body without the approval or consent of others is part of taking control of yourself and your identity. Thus, when people in these groups are informed that they must do something, it comes from a very entrenched culture of ownership. The person speaking often has privilege, and is exercising that privilege thoughtlessly. Many people claim to be well meaning, say that they just want people to be informed, but this presupposes that people are not informed on their own and that, moreover, it is only possible to reach one informed choice.

Having things you “should” do sets you up for failure, because by the time you get around to “I should have…” you haven’t… and you therefore have permission to guilt trip yourself, or beat yourself up, or what ever works best… and that stems from our overly prescriptive society I believe.  You “should” have done your homework before Sunday afternoon, you “should” have known not to get into a relationship with that individual, you “should” not have eaten that slice of cake, you “should” have gone to bed early, etc.

When we were children we, well I did, had parents who got to decide things for us.  They decided what we “should” do, what schools we went to, whether we believed in a god/s, what communities we were involved with, etc.  As adults we were supposed to gain our independence and be able to make our own decisions about continued study, work, health, socialising, community involvement, etc.  However, parents, friends, family and random strangers often decide to intervene in our decisions and tell us what we should and should not do, even though we’d rather they not.  And like s.e. smith’s comment above, the denial of agency comes from a very entrenched culture of ownership.

So next time, before you go riding in to rescue or save someone, find out if they want it.  Next time, before you tell someone what they should do, consider how you feel when you are told what to do by someone else.  Next time, before you pass judgement on someone, think about how that will make them feel.

This does not stop you having opinions about things, because that is close to impossible, but try and think about your opinions and how healthy they are for you and those around you.  I can think all I like about how I believe that X should never have entered a relationship with Y, or how some of Z’s problems would be solved if ou got a new job.  But for me to tell them that, that’s hardly fair or reasonable.  It does not take into account elements of their situation that I cannot know, it tells them that I believe that my opinion of their situation is more important than their own (otherwise why would I dictate something to someone?) and that I believe that I am superior to them (otherwise I would not be dictating to them).  Of course, since I’m referring to adults and not children, none of this is true – and is rarely true for most children either.  Again, to tell someone what they should do demonstrates that I do not trust their own judgement and ability to decide on a course of action.

I do not need saving, I do not need a knight in dented and rusty armour, I do not need to be told how to improve myself.  I will ask for help if I need it and otherwise will continue along my own way, learning, having fun and doing it my way.

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mental illness, relationships

R U OK?

*trigger warning – this post discusses suicide*

Today is/was R U OK Day – a day where you are encourage to approach people (friends/family/strangers?) and ask them if they are OK.  From the R U OK website:

Thursday 7 October, 2010 is R U OK?Day. A national day of action that aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: “Are you OK?”.

Because staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feelings of isolation and being alone are major contributing factors to depression and social issues that can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love.

It’s so simple but in the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.

I get the whole raising awareness thing, but right now this doesn’t really work for me.  If I had waited until today to ask my friend who attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago, whether or not she was ok, she may not have lived that long.  The analogy for me is something like “Safe Sex” day where everyone practices safe sex and forgets about it for the other 364 days of the year (365 on leap years).  That would be a bad thing, and having one day singled out in a year where you’re told (not encouraged) to ask someone you care about if they are OK, versus the rest of the year, is not exactly helpful.

I think I’d be less … something… about this if they more clearly stated that this was an awareness exercise and that this was to raise awareness of the tools available to those who want to ask if someone is ok, and to provide information to those who need it.  Mainly stating that this is the day you should ask someone if they are ok, misses all the other days when they may not be.

It also assumes that everyone has the spoons to ask someone else if they are ok, or are ok enough themselves to ask someone else.  I have had days where I did not have the spoons to ask someone if they were ok because being prepared to listen and engage with that person enough for answer required energy I did not have.  Asking if someone is OK is not a short conversation, and can go beyond the one coffee suggested above.  It requires focus, probing and understanding feedback, and a willingness to engage – and as well the understanding that whoever you’ve approached may not be willing to open up to you and that isn’t something you should take personally.

The R U OK website also has a page providing suggestions and advice on how to start an R U OK conversation.  This page is full of good information except for one bit which I found somewhat problematic.  The page rightly tells you not to offer advice, “Avoid telling someone what to do: it is important to listen and try to help the other person work out what is best for them“.  But then delves immediately into:

Be encouraging

Encourage physical health. Maintaining regular exercise, a nutritious diet and getting regular sleep helps people to cope in tough times

Encourage the person to seek professional help from their family doctor, a support service or counsellor, or a mental health worker

Encourage self-care. Sometimes people need to be encouraged to do more to look after their own needs during a difficult time

So on one hand, don’t give advice, but on the other encourage them to look after themselves more, seek help and maintain their physical health – things the person you are meant to be listening to may not be able to actually do for a myriad of reasons, or who may be doing all or some of them and doesn’t need you to comment on.

When I found out from my friend about her attempted suicide, I hugged her, took her somewhere quiet and listened to her.  I asked if she’d like to come to my place for a while, if she needed to, again being ok with her saying no, because this was not about me – it was about what she needed.

The fact that the R U OK website also lists groups you can speak to if you need help now, is also a great resource.

In the end the R U OK idea is good, but for me to be satisfied with it, it needs more tweaking.  More conversation up front about how this should happen every day and not just once a year.  More tools for people who’ve never had conversations like this.  More information about what constitutes being helpful, how to provide feedback during the conversation so that whoever is being listened to knows that they are being heard, what to do if things get out of hand, how to check up on someone again later and how to debrief with someone afterward so that you too are OK.

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A blog about feminism, religion and stuff… in no particular order