I’ve been thinking about apologies recently and thought I had once blogged a good piece about them, which I can’t easily find. I did find this piece I wrote a long time ago called “Let’s try with some empathy” which has some of the bones of what I was thinking about:
How about instead of telling someone how they should react to something, you think a bit about why they might be reacting that way, how constant microaggressions might have worn them down, and how this might have been the final straw after they’ve been polite to everyone else whose pushed them down that day/week/month/year. Think about how they might actually see the thing that you said or wrote, and how that might look from their position. Actually apologise for upsetting them and then invite them to tell you what you can do to avoid upsetting them again in future – because people generally want to avoid having their feet stepped on, they will often provide you with suggestions/resources on how your organisation or yourself can be more inclusive, open, and less upsetting.
The only change I’d make to that post is include “trauma” after microaggressions. Because sometimes you trigger other people’s trauma instead of/as well as the microaggressions I was referring to in the original post.
Anyway, I was thinking about the difference between someone regretting something versus someone being sorry/apologising for something. For example, a company can regret to inform you that you were unsuccessful at obtaining a position there/their business is closed due to flooding/your favourite dish has sold out/etc, and all of this is not an apology per se, more a “I know it’s disappointing, and it might happen again in the future”. Regret doesn’t acknowledge harm and doesn’t acknowledge responsibility. A business, for example, may not have foreseen that there would be a run on your favourite dish, or that their business would flood.
Here is someone saying it much better than myself:
From a semantic standpoint, regret or concern – “I’m sorry this happened” – is not at all the same thing as a full-fledged apology – “I’m sorry.” The expression of regret sidesteps the central issue of fault, the admission of which is, after all, what an aggrieved party is seeking.
Eric Schellhorn, “Regret vs. Apology: Why Being Sorry It Happened Isn’t the Same As Being Sorry”, SFGate
Wikipedia has some good commentary on apologies as well:
The basic elements of an apology communicate:
Wikipedia
- That the person apologizing was, in some way, responsible for the unjust actions taken;
- That the person apologizing is aware of the injustices that resulted from those actions; and
- That the person apologizing intends to behave differently in the future.
And I know that apologies are hard. Taking a deep breath, listening to the person you’ve wronged without being defensive, hearing what is being asked of you, and then apologising is hard. Especially in a culture where always being right is the norm. Apologising isn’t a fun activity, even though it is a necessary one. It requires us to put on our big pants and act maturely. Sometimes we apologise for ourselves (the need to resolve the internal remorse) and sometimes we apologise for others (the need to mend/maintain relationships).
I’m not going to talk about forgiveness in this post, because I’ve written about that in the past (though mostly focussed on forgiveness from a Christian perspective), except to say, forgiveness can be granted without an apology sometimes, but generally it’s best to apologise if you know/have learnt that you hurt someone/s, and for that apology to be genuine.