Tag: Christianity

Christianity and women and sex

This is going to be a really short post, but I have to share it after finding this blog post on the internets.  I don’t know who Mark Gungor actually is, apart from someone who claims some authority on Christian marriage and relationships… but after reading the blog post linked to above, I think he needs to start all over again, perhaps with proper education about relationships and statutory laws.

Relevant annoying and icky bits from his blog are below:

I’ll dispel the myth regarding the requirement of a huge emotional connection. Women, more often than men, get hung up on this one and think they have to have all these warm and fuzzy emotions to feel like they can get physical with their husbands. I’m not saying that you always have sex with no emotion or connection–that would not be a healthy relationship. But what I am saying is that sometimes sex can just be sex.

As I said, sometimes sex is just sex; it’s what you do when you are married. Just like cleaning the toilet is what you do to keep your house clean…and I bet you don’t have this great desire or huge emotional connection to scrubbing the porcelain! You do it because it needs to be done and that’s the way it is with married sex… it does need to be done! It’s the glue that God gave us to bond us to one another. The bible is very clear that it is your responsibility as a spouse.

Understand that there is no need for all this desire and emotion nonsense. Don’t feel badly if you aren’t overwhelmed by all the over-the-moon feelings and passion ahead of time. There is nothing wrong with you. If you can enjoy sex once you start and have a good time, that’s all that matters. Just break the mindset that you won’t do it unless you feel like it. Let not your hearts be troubled. Just enjoy the deal without all the fuss and worry over the desire and emotion. It’s actually a trap, that if you aren’t careful, you can get caught in and you, your spouse and your relationship will suffer. (Emphasis in original)

Some of the comments on this thread are horrifying.  One woman says she was sexually abused before her marriage and after marriage her husband was not affectionate and was resentful of the healing she had to do from the assault.  She claims that often sex was unemotional and she relived the sexual abuse, and had she known that she could have just been unfeeling about the whole thing, then it would have been ok.  I really didn’t know what to do when I read this comment apart from bang my head against the desk.

A lone atheist who has found the blog through a friend takes on almost all the Christian commenters and the author herself.  She calls out the rape apology present by clearly arguing that such expectations of “having sex when you don’t want to” apply only to women and actually is rape, which is illegal.  She discusses the difference between subservience and equality, and quotes the bible back at those who quote it to her, in good productive ways.  The comments that she participates in are AWESOME.  I’d suggest reading them just for what she’s written.

But this whole post is a big concern – apart from the fact that a marriage counsellor of some description is telling people to just lie back and think of … well something – because it’s aim is at women.  You would never see a man being told to just have sex with someone, even if they don’t want to, because its far harder to fake an erection.

The Christian commentators and author keep returning to the bible, and to their understanding of how relationships should work based on the bible, which is a bad place to start methinks.  Their thinking is narrow minded and flawed and because Christianity is inherently misogynistic, their attitudes towards women are terrible (and sadly so are the attitudes of some of the female commentators towards themselves), and the idea of equality of women in a relationship isn’t really considered.

Some of the male commentators said they liked to do things for their wives because it made their wives happy, but there was very little discussion about how they have sex with their wives when they don’t want to – because that isn’t going to happen.

There is a lot wrong with Christianity and women in Christianity and I could blog at length about it, but for now, I’m just going to headdesk at this post some more and then go to bed.

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I’d like less Vatican in my life

In the latest from the Vatican, Benny has decided to condemn priests who abuse children, and for a change not link paedophilia to homosexuality.  The article is good, it talks about how Bishops who have been hiding child abuse are not being condemned, and that the Vatican isn’t really doing anything about the child abuse  other than talking about it.  The bit that annoyed me was at the end:

In his speech on Monday, Benedict said children deserved to be loved and respected by all – and that they flourish best in a family.

He stressed his long-standing position that a family is founded on the marriage between a man and woman – and that couples should do everything possible to avoid separation and stay together for the sake of their children.

“They want to be loved by a mother and a father who love one another; they need to live with and grow up with both parents, because the maternal and paternal figures are complementary in educating children and in building their personalities and identities,” the pope said. [emphasis mine]

This, again, shows how far out of touch with reality the pope is.  I could start with how the nuclear family is a very recent concept and only really started in the 17th and 18th century, and then discuss how widespread nuclear families are, and how common extended families are, to suggest that perhaps the pope’s idea of a family needs to be broadened.

But what I’m going to do instead is complain about the bolded text above.  I posted a while ago about why conservatism is bad for women’s rights, and this is more of the same, by one of the most conservative and patriarchal institutions on the planet.  I said then:

The big problem with this style of conservative thinking, and “traditional family values” is that it places women in society at a lesser place than the men. Women are typically more likely to become victims of domestic violence than men (I am not denying that men are not victims of domestic violence), so if it harder for women to obtain a divorce from a violent marriage, then that’s hardly fair and surely not part of what people would think that “traditional family values” are.

Staying together “for the sake of the children” if you are in an abusive relationship is not in the best interests of the abused spouse or the children.  Staying together “for the sake of the children” if one of the spouses is abusing the children, is not in the best interest of the spouse or the children.  Staying together “for the sake of the children” and raising those children in a toxic environment full of anger, hate and bitterness, is not in the best interests of the children.

Surely if we are going to “think of the children” then surely what is in the best interests of the children should come BEFORE religious ideals of the nuclear family and traditional values.

Personally,  I’d also like the pope to show me his research in relation to what children want.  I agree that children want to be loved, but I am sure that in some incredibly dysfunctional households* children don’t want to be loved by one of their parents and would rather be a long way away from them, due to abuse (directed at them or their other parent), neglect or disdain.

And how does the pope knows that “the maternal and paternal figures are complementary in educating children and in building their personalities and identities”, and how that has to be a mother and father, versus extended family such as aunts, uncles, grandparents or close family friends.  There are many families that are single parents due to the death of one of the parents, should that single parent immediately rush out and remarry because their child is now lacking a maternal or paternal figure?

I am tired of the Vatican telling the rest of us how to live our lives.  We’re grown up now Mr Vatican and we’re making our own way in the world.  Get back in your box and leave us alone.

* And yes, I have evidence for this

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