I’m not dying.
I was chatting with James last night, in between sleeping bouts, about things and he mentioned that he was afraid of death, the cessation of being, and I replied that I’m only afraid of dying from the viewpoint that I might leave those I care about (and for) without means to look after themselves, and as I currently have a healthy life insurance policy AND a decent amount of superannuation, this isn’t an issue.
I mean I don’t want to die, I’m quite enjoying being alive, and I’m not looking forward to dying any time soon, but I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve been faced with my mortality twice now in the last 10 years of my life. The first time was when I had an ecoptic pregnancy, I was in a lot of pain, I lost a lot of blood, and the whole thing was rather unpleasant (as an understatement). Most recently it was being told I have cancer. Sure the cancer was caught at a very early stage, but it’s still a condition that can potentially kill you.
My cancer diagnosis has been stressful, and as there are multiple paths my treatment can take I yet don’t know the exact shape of the rest of my journey, but I do know I’m going to be on the other side of the most invasive part of the treatment in the next 6 months. I suppose a large part of not being stressed about dying from this is because I am 99.9% certain it’s not going to kill me, it’s just not going to be fun.
But even if I did die, I have done my best to make the world a better place. I have worked hard to ensure that those I love and care for will be financially stable and secure after I have died. I have loved and been loved, eaten good food, and travelled to fantastic places. I haven’t done everything I want, but I have achieved a lot.
Death holds no fear for me right now. It’s a weird, but good place to be. I know this comes with a degree of privilege, particularly financial privilege, and I have worked hard to make this the case. Ten years ago, I would not have been in this position, it is a very recent thing that has made this the case.
That’s a funny thing Bec. I have been thinking along the same lines in the last couple of weeks – prompted by my mother’s ageing and the death of a friend rather than any diagnosis of my own – and come to exactly the same conclusion.
It’s nice to know one has lived well. Like you, I know I need to check my privilege!, but I think I’ve had experiences and known people that would make my life worthwhile if I was hit by a bus tomorrow 🙂
Lovely post and a great outlook. May the healing continue